I'm just tired of the "I'm sorry" speeches.

Had a handful of them during the relationship
and now that the relationship is over... it's still happening.


I mean seriously? How about just stop doing things that you'll be sorry for?

It's amazing how much I gave up for the relationship to work for you and I thought it would work out for me as well but in the end I wasn't even happy.

I'm just tired of having to deal with your apologies. It's come to the point where I won't even get affected if you decide you want to lash out on me again, because I know you're just going to end up apologizing again.

So really, what's new?

I don't even know anymore..

Everything I do is wrong. 

Lately I’m just looking at my life and can’t help but think what the heck I’m doing with it.

Why am I in school? Why am I singing in church? Why am I friends with certain people? Why do I like certain shows or read certain books? Why am I single? Why why why why why do I make all these decisions that ALWAYS seem to be the wrong one in other people’s eyes?

I mean, is it me? Or is it them?

I don’t even know what I want anymore. I know what makes me happy… 

Aren’t the things that make you happy also be the things that you want?

ugh. 

Everything is in chaos in my mind right now. I know what I want to do, and I want to go after it, but I’m scared that people are just going to judge me.

…so then that makes me not want anything to do with it. 

I want to be happy.

I want to make other people happy as well. 

But my happiness is tainted by guilt. Because I might just be wrong.

I want to move on with my life but I can’t because something’s holding me back. 

Maybe letting everything go for good will help me move on but I can’t. I’m constantly second guessing myself these days because I have everyone’s voices in my head. I don’t even know who’s right and who’s wrong anymore.

THERE’S TOO MANY.

*sigh*

Sometimes I just want someone to look at me and say

“Hey Eunice, I appreciate you. I’m proud of who you are and who you choose to be. I’m proud of the person you’ve become and the person you are going to be. You ARE doing the right thing. I know you’re in a shaky place right now but whatever you decide to do with your life, I’ll support you. I’m here.”

If only.

*cue this song*

It's times like these...

that forces me to reevaluate my life.
my priorities.

Blaaahh.
Being a christian is not easy. It's a CONSTANT battle.
I win. I lose.
there are times when im such an A+ christian, then it fades.
I always find myself straying. And I let myself stray to be honest. Because in the back of my mind, I know whenever I decide to go back to God, he will always be willing to take me.

And that's taking Him for granted, I know. I know.

It's SO hard to maintain a good relationship with God. There's a lot of distractions and what not. I get easily distracted. It's easier to be wrong than right most of the time.

I think I've been straying for about 4-5 months now. I found some new distractions.
But now they don't give me the same excitement and fulfillment as they used to.
Now I'm just, empty.


"And I find myself here on my knees again caught up in grace like an avalanche. Nothing can compare to this love burning in my heart."



And that's when I discovered this song. In the most unexpected place. I usually avoid playing christian song posts on my tumblr. But when I saw this song I played it out of curiosity.
It did something in me. One of those things that the human mind cannot explain or understand, but it does something to the soul. Brings out things that are emotional.. but is some way deeper than just plain emotions.

This is when I know it's time to go back. Time to fill myself up again. Time to reevaluate.
To go back to the basics. Back to God. Back to love.

Blog recommendation.

This is Dianna Agron, my spirit animal, this is her blog.

She is awesome. Seriously. 

She has eccentric taste in music. 

She blogs about book recommendations, authors, some of her photos. 

Random rants about what she thinks of the industry and her life.

Like seriously.. I found that we have a lot in common.

Seriously some people annoy the hell out of me.

Isn't it weird when you like someone when they're by themselves. Just them.
But when they're part of a group their whole demeanor changes and you're just like wtf?

I've been dealing with this particular group since freaking high school.
I like some of them INDIVIDUALLY but once they're all in their group... it's just so annoying. Just their vibe and stuff.
ugh.

And I have to go to this thing with them on saturday. Though I know I might enjoy myself, I'm still dreading it.
Mainly because if it wasn't for my ex, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have given some of them the time of day. lol

I sound like such a mean girl. But really, they just annoy me. I tried liking them and I actually do like some of them BUT AS A GROUP. omg.

Just get me out of here.

So relevant.

Just going to leave this here...

Because I can't do anything on my other social network accounts without being watched like a HAWK.
Sometimes I just don't understand the pressure. THE CONSTANT REMINDERS. I don't understand any of it!
I guess yeah I have to be an example but dude, it's HARD.
People are always going to have something to say about the things I do. Whether the said things be good or bad I don't even care.

Sometimes(lately) I just want to be anonymous. A gray face. Where I don't have obligations or responsibilities.

I'm just.... I don't even freaking know.

Am I being immature right now?
Yeah, maybe I am. But I'm human. I make mistakes on a daily basis.
I just really need to vent.